Sunday, February 28, 2010

my fork in the road

when you come to a fork in the road which side do you take
how can you every be sure of the right choice you make
you'll never find out when, you'll never find out how, cause you won't find out what to do right now
you wish it would explode like a cannon's blast going POW!
or the waking call of the neighbors dog saying "Bow-WOW!
but that's not going to happen, cause it won't happen here
so you stand there looking, peaking, prying, and weeping, wishing it were clear
you cannot see down the roads and what they hold
you may just have to be like Jason and be bold
start your quest for that golden fleece and do not be slowed
take the first step, down one broken road
and if it is not what you want it to hold
turn back and BEHOLD the one you forgot is made of gold
golden bricks with a tinge of yellow
so do not be melancholy or mellow
and do not ever think to call yourself yellow
you can find the fork again
there is still more you can win
because the forks diverge into another
until you are standing there looking down at the other
the other road not taken, the one they say is forsaken
but you know better, you know what comes with risk
it is not the foreboding tsk-tsk-tsk
but the ever-present sensation that will whisk
you away to a place you've been searching for
one that if people had opened their eyes they could adore
a land most magical, free of frigidness and fright
a place where when the lights go off it is never night
it is there where excite meets delight meets the polite recite of "everything's going to be alright"
it is the fork in the road, the one that you choose
the one you must hold onto with everything and never lose
because when you lose it it's gone and will never return
no matter how long the hours you yearn
it will not come back, so hold onto it tight
and then one day you will see the light
even though it may be slight it will guide you through the ways of right
and wrong, and up and down, and black and white
and you will see that it is none of that, but shades of gray
much to your dismay, people will say "it is just the way"
the way that things stay, but for you, you betray
the current train of thought and question the ones who say "it's this way"
cause you are the one who found the fork in the road and took the first stride
and you did it with pride, you now have the ability to look inside
and see the world for what it really is, but where will you preside?
will you change it?
or will you embrace it?
will you make a difference?
or will you defy to answer your calling?
will you inspire others to aspire?
or will you aspire to inspire others?
which side will you choose?
cause once again you've reached that fork in the road
you better make a decision before you erode.


Films have this affect on me that I do not know if I will ever have the ability to fully articulate.

It is four minutes until two a.m. and I have just finished watching one of Edward Norton's films. It was my first time seeing it in it's entirety. I was thinking it would be something different than what it turned out to be.

This film blew me away.

To have one's work be this powerful is awe-inspiring.

I hope that one day I can make a difference in this world. Even if it is in the slightest way, and even if I never find out I did.

To just make things better for somebody.

To just have them feel like everything is alright, everything is going to be okay.

To just take them somewhere else, away from all their troubles and worry.

To just allow them the ability to open their eyes and sees what is out there.

To just inspire them to... think... for themselves.

I am going to be thinking about this for awhile.


Second day of filming starts tomorrow in the a.m. Got to get to sleep soon.

Goodnight and God bless.

Yours truly,


Friday, February 26, 2010

I knew I was a director when...

...when I walked a mile back in the pouring rain with the camera and the entire day's set of film.

...when I wrapped my vest around the camera so it wouldn't get wet.

...when I chose to cover my camera bag with the umbrella instead of my head as I walked the mile back to my place.

...when I knew protecting the film was more important than getting pneumonia.

...when I completed my first day of filming.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

forum of focus

These last few days I feel like I am getting a lot of signs thrown in my face that what I want to do is the right choice for me. Just take a quick look at the last five posts or so and see everything. Just in the last three: I had the talk with my professor, I have started writing again, and I got recognized for last year's performance that I thought nobody remembered. Hell, nobody I knew even showed up to watch it for support (you can feel sorry for me later). I feel like this last week has been a series of reaffirming events that this truly is the right thing for me, and what happened today can be added to the list.

I went to a Finance Forum today here on campus thinking it was simply going to be a bunch of people talking about what they do everyday at their jobs, but it wasn't that. Far from it. There was almost little to do with finance, which was great for me because I have no interest in the field. What I took away from it is was just how hard all the people that were up there worked to get to where they are today.

They did not take the easy route. The choose to do things the hard way and learn the most they could every chance they had. They prepared themselves for the opportunities that came their way and luck followed. These people are not the norm. I know that, but these are the people that have chosen to want to do more with their lives. They are not going to stop once they reach that safe spot in the corner office. They won't stop until they have the office upstairs that takes up it's own floor. (That's just a metaphor for wanting something more. I would never solely work just for a bigger office, at least I would hope). One guy said to find something you love to do, AND that you are good at doing and you will be happy. That same guy said that the most he has every worked in a week is 143 hours, and on average works 115-125 hours a week. Nobody could do that if they did not like what they were doing.

Others that were there listening were blown away by this number, but I wasn't. Surprised? Sure, that's a helluva a lot of time. However, he found something he loved to do and is good at it and I don't think that he really considers it work. That's just what he does. Would I work 143 hours in a week to become a great actor? You're damn right I would, because when you do something you love it shouldn't feel like work. If it does feel like work then you don't love it. Sure sometimes things take "hard work" to accomplish them but if you truly love what you are doing then you are going to be intrinsically motivated to work hard to do the best you can. I don't know if any of this is making sense right now, it's pretty late and this could just be a little bit of a rant, but what I am trying to say is, I get what these people today were talking about and I get why they work the way they do.

They want to be the best and so do I. Maybe that is why I wasn't blown away by the 143 hour stat.

I get it.

They will do what it takes to succeed, and if that's 143 hours then I am ready to do more for what I want.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

"weren't you in...?"

I got recognized today. All be it was from one of the theatre department professors here on campus, but hey, that still counts from something. It felt pretty good that at least one person remembered my performance. He seemed like a nice guy, cause before I had meet him today I was a little intimidated by him, but not so much anymore.

Also, I am pretty sure I got into his script analysis class for next quarter.

Things are looking up.

just writing

Just finished writing a scene for about 2 hours in total.

Haven't done that for awhile and man did it feel good.

It's like a drug, and I want more.

Monday, February 15, 2010

writer's remorse?

This has to be quick, I have a lot I still have to finish up tonight for other classes (reading articles and writing a paper on the causes of poverty from a source that doesn't even know what the causes of poverty are).


Throughout most of last week I was doubting myself. That big 18 page paper I wrote for one of my classes, I got the grades back on it and it was far lower than I expected it to be (it was a B-, and I was like WTF?) especially since upon completion I thought it was one of the best/most important things I had ever written. For the whole week I wasn't able to talk with my professor about it so for the whole week I was doubting my ability as a writer. Going into the paper I told myself, "I am going to write this my way and the way I want. I am going talk about what I want and I have enough faith in my writing ability that this will get me a good grade on this paper." A B- is not a good grade. Well at least not on something like this.

So on Thursday I was able to talk with my professor and right when I mentioned that I wrote 18 pages, 4 more than the required 14, he knew something was off. He went back and looked at my paper and his spreadsheet of the grades and both confirmed that a mistake had taken place. He told me that he remembered reading it and that he really enjoyed it. He also said that he believed I had a "real gift for writing" (even though it may not be showing here in this post). We continued this conversation about my plans of writing and acting for about 20 more minutes and it felt really good to just talk to someone about it all. It felt even better when I found out that I should not have been doubting myself (I tend to do this a lot; refer back to "not the one step forward I needed, but the one that will take me farther" post).

I could write more about this event (and I believe it will definitely be expanded upon further in another form of writing) but I must end this here and now by saying simply thank you to my professor. Thank you for making that slight error in grading, because if you hadn't I do not know if I ever would have gotten the privilege of having that conversation with you.

So thank you.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

renewed sense of purpose

Having just finished watching the film Moon and being absolutely blown away by Sam Rockwell's performance, one thing comes to mind...

I want to do that.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

dialogue that fills my thoughts, from a character I do not yet know

"WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?!" The man yelled, and exclaimed profusely. And the old man replied, "I want hope. Peace on Earth. Happiness where there was once sadness. Light where it was once dark. Distance for people from the depressed, deprived, desecrated, disenfranchised, and destituted circumstances that too many find themselves in. I want all of this, and so much more. But I can't have it, now can I?"

Friday, February 5, 2010


my mind goes racin'
my feet on the ground, they're pacin'
my heart beat, is escalatin'

cause I don't know what to do right here, right now
I'm behind the curtain and i forgot my lines, wow
it's like a nightmare that will not quit
it's like a tobacco dip that you cannot spit
the music cues up, and the lights come on
I wait for a moment, think "this shit's so gone"
I walk out into the bright light; reformed, refreshed
reborn a new life, like all the rest

my mind goes quiet
my feet firm on the ground like Wyatt
my heart beat, it's greater than the Watts riot
I stare the audience in the face, and I look in deep
scanning the crowd for a single peep
but no one is here, I gotta do this all alone
I'm out there a young baby, fulling grown
I open my mouth, but the character is silent
he don't want to come out, he ain't no client
SPEAK before they boo your ass back home
you cant go back there, cause you'll just roam
roam, for the job you'll never find
roam, for the ones that left you behind
roam, for the purpose that will remain confined
you'll be living the life of a parole on house arrest
but you'll really just be like all the rest
you walked into your own cell and threw away the key
you'll be so blind that you will not see
the life you coulda had if you where only free
free, from the heartbreak and despair
free, wide out there in the open air
free, so righteously I do declare
all you gotta do is let the character out
just go ahead and let him shout
and do not ever think to doubt
the methods of your talent when they hit the spout
the purpose has found me that I gave up searching for
it went KNOCK! KNOCK! knocking right on my door

I'm back out there in the bright white light
and before it gave me a serious fright
but not anymore, that nonsense was so contrite
cause from now on this is the fight I write
as I stand there the synapses begin to fire
the dreams that I aspire get higher and higher
my feet move with purpose as they balance the high wire
my heart beats bigger than Jerry Maguire
when he said "you complete me"
cause that's what you do
just give it a look see
cause it's far between and few